If you live (or have ever lived) by yourself, chances are you’ll have heard the following at least once.
“But don’t you get lonely?”
“I couldn’t live on my own, I’d get so bored”
“What about the creaks and strange noises? You can’t automatically dismiss them as the other person in the house – I’d find it creepy”
“But you must miss having people around you”
“How antisocial!” (usually followed by a fake laugh)
With the very occasional
“I wish I could decorate my house however I wanted”.
Since I’ve lived by myself, in my little house in my riverside village, I have come to recognise that you can more or less split people into two camps: those for whom living alone is a Wonderful Thing, something to aspire to, luxuriate in and enjoy; and those for whom it is The Worst Thing That Could Possibly Happen.
The two camps do not understand the other’s point of view, though in my experience, the older the people, the more they are likely to live and let live, and not evangelise their preferred way of living.
I think it is partly linked to introversion and extroversion preferences, though I won’t go into that in any more detail here – there are umpteen books and courses and blog posts on the subject written by people far more knowledgeable than me on those traits.
I want to share my own experience of living by myself, and how it happened, and why I love it, and I don’t think lonely really comes into it.
Back in 2008, when I finished university, I was at a bit of a loose end. I’d never particularly planned to live anywhere other than with the boyfriend, but as our seven-year relationship dissolved at the end of 2007, clearly that wasn’t going to happen.
To complicate matters, my parents had moved from my hometown up to the north of Essex, where my family were. So I packed my life into a storage unit and trundled to my new home, finding solace in my extended family’s horses and hens and dogs, and space to mend my broken heart in the North Essex countryside and woodland.
I hated being away from my friends and I had no clue how to deal with being single for the first time in my adult life, but I loved the peace and quiet and exploring my new surroundings.
So I patched up my heart and started an ongoing journey of self discovery, and just as I was starting to think I really should relieve my poor parents of my clutter, one of my best friends called to say she’d got her doctor’s training allocation and did I fancy moving in with her in Colchester for a year.
That year was amazing in lots of ways, but when she left to go back to London, I rallied my finances and my courage and stayed in our flat on my own. Turning her room into my studio, and putting up all the little touches that make a house a home – which are so hard to do in a shared house if your tastes are very different.
That first year of living by myself was incredible. I learned a lot about myself (I’m really good at bodging DIY. I’m really bad at dealing with spiders.) and my home, mine alone, became my sanctuary from the City job and psychopathic CEO which was destroying my confidence by the day.
photo credit: kevin dooley via photopin cc
Sanctuary.
That flat, however messy it got because I was too exhausted to tidy, and however badly I was eating because I got home too late to cook, it was mine, and it was home, and it was safe.
And while I have dearly loved all the people I have lived with from childhood to adulthood, for me there is nothing quite like coming home and being able to do whatever you want without worrying about interacting with others, whether you’re being selfish, awkward, antisocial, etc. It’s blissful and it helped me get through some very difficult situations with my working life.
Loneliness just doesn’t come into it – I was much lonelier during the day in that soul-destroying job, in a cold office full of people in suits who thought I was odd, and not in a good way, than I could ever be in my colourful, light-filled, comfortable home.
I eventually jacked in that job, felt a weight lift from my heart, and moved on to one that suits me much better. Not long after the new job came the opportunity to move house, and by then continuing to live alone was a no-brainer.
This time I found a house, with a garden, and space for my studio, and a conservatory and a cat flap. It felt like home from the moment I walked through the door (and of course now I have my silly kittens who race around and do ridiculous things and make me laugh on a daily basis).
Home is still my sanctuary. I love that I can go home and pick up the book I left there this morning, and no one will have touched it. I love that I can have people round to my heart’s content, and then have my space back to re-centre myself whenever I want to. I love that I am answerable to nothing and nobody, and can choose exactly what to do with my time and my space in my home.
I have grown in confidence and happiness daily, to the delight of those who know and love me (and especially to those who witnessed the breakdown after the breakup). I’m quite certain that I don’t want a housemate – I value my space and alone time too much.
And given that my both of my offices in my current day job are massive open plan ones, it’s not so much a luxury as a necessity to come home and sit quietly and ground myself again when I return each day.
Romantically, there have been dalliances, but no one with whom I would care to share my home and my life yet… and that’s ok. If Mr Right does pitch up, I’ll be firmly ensconced in a life and home of my own making, and he and I can join forces to make an even more awesome life. And if he doesn’t – I’m having the time of my life in my little house. And last month I celebrated three years of living by myself. Here’s to many more 😀
With unicorns and happiness,
I LOVED living on my own. Just to have that one space that is completely yours and where you can do what you want, when you want is the most lovely feeling in the world. The boyfriend recently moved in and I have to say that I did experience some *ahem* frustrations because someone was invading my space and doing things differently (the dirty laundry goes *in* the laundry bag, not in a pile next to your side of the bed, arghh!), but luckily we’re both introverts so we understand the need for sometimes wanting to be at home alone. 🙂
Oh, you’re braver than I am! But great that you can both appreciate that need for alone time. It’s like some kind of holy grail, finding someone who appreciates that I don’t love them any less just because I need to be on my own quite a lot!
Yes! Yes! A thousand times yes!
After leaving uni (having shared a house with some great mates) I moved back in with my folks. Things were OK at first but as I became more confident and independent it became clear that living in my old bedroom was not going to work out well for any of us long term.
At about the same time, the firm I work for decided that the office I used to work in (25 miles south) was to be closed and that my job would be relocated to another office 25 miles north of where I lived. Luckily for me a house came up for sale that was a perfect size for someone on their own with what I’d been dreaming of for years, my own garage!
Its two years now since I left the folks’ place and set up on my own in my little home. Its a characterful little place in the middle of a lovely North Wales village. Most importantly however I get to set up everything how *I* want it. People were very confused when I decided to change all of the light switches and some of the sockets for newer (but still white plastic) ones, but I decided to do it anyway as the old ones were terrible. Same goes with my TV/Satellite/Surround Sound system, its no-one else’s problem that it takes three remote controls to drive the thing!
As for the loneliness aspect I can’t say it affected me that much. Yes you did start to think about the rattles and creaks at first but once you worked out that it was mainly the central heating system warming through or the airing cupboard door swinging open it was never an issue. The one thing I have made sure of however is that I have decent smoke and carbon monoxide alarms, just in case something does happen. I also check every now and again on my elderly neighbour who lives next door on her own.
I have however found myself becoming less tolerant of people . This could of course be down to be getting older and more opinionated, but I can’t help thinking that not having to compromise at home any more is having an effect on my tact (not that I was ever renowned for it!)
As for other people’s reactions, I do get the odd “now its time you got yourself a girlfriend/cat/dog…” (as if I couldn’t possibly live in a two bedroomed cottage on my own) but its not that common. (It could be because I’m a bloke). My stock answer has always been “No, I’ve only just got the place organised exactly how I like it!”
Living on your own teaches you self discipline (no-one else is going to tidy that pile of socks…) and self reliance (no-one else is going to tell you where the water stop-tap is) like nothing else.
I believe there should be evening courses for newly moved out one-person-households in such things as cooking and DIY! I might have to start one…
Man after my own heart! The one I’m getting currently is “but why do you keep your bike in the living room?” – there are many reasons, but mostly because it’s convenient and because I can 🙂
Self reliance, yes. I’m always astounded at how many people I know who can’t change a lightbulb/switch off the water at the mains/put up a shelf/insert other minor job in here because there’s always been someone else around to do it!
And I am rather jealous of your garage – my house has one but it’s not part of the let – but if I manage to buy the house, it’s becoming my very own workshop for Poppy and the not-yet-mine camper 😀
I knew of a bloke who kept a pair of 17″ Goodyear tyres in his front room as there was no space in his garage…
As for DIY skills I’m very lucky that my parents both grew up on farms, where the idea of “getting someone in to do it” didn’t really compute. They are both supremely competent DIYers (mum’s a whizz with painting and wallpapering, dad on the other hand can wire/weld/plumb anything to anything) and have made sure those skills were passed on to me, my brother and my sister. When your housewarming presents from them are a cordless hammer drill and a stepladder you know your not going to get away with calling someone in!
Every time I help my friends/family move house I make sure that they know where the water stop-tap, gas stop-tap and fuse box are. Even if they do get someone in to do work you just know that call asking how to turn the water off will happen at stupid o clock in the evening. I do this with both men and women, as both are equally capable of being good/useless at basic DIY.
And as for my garage, its not much (it has a dirt floor) but its big enough to open both doors in and has an old cast iron bread oven built in to one wall!
Ooooh do you use the oven to make bread?! 😛
Sensible family definitely helps – my parents also don’t really believe in getting someone in to do anything. And I’m an only child but Dad has made very sure that I’m capable of DIY stuff (i.e. I can put up shelves and they’re only a bit wonky) – and hilariously my leaving home presents were a toolbox, a feather duvet and a heated airer. Still working on acquiring a drill though…
I’ve always lived with someone else but I can definitely see the advantages of living on your own. Alex works shifts so a couple of times a month I don’t see him for a couple of days as he sleeps when I’m up and he’s gone when I get home, etc. These are the times I eat what I want, watch the Bake Off on catch up and generally spend all evening sewing without feeling guilty 🙂
As and when/if I find Mr Right, that’s probably my perfect solution. Or living next door to each other rather than actually in the same house?! Your Bake Off and sewing evenings sound heavenly though 🙂
Just get him a decent shed. You won’t see him for weeks then…
But I’ll be using the shed for crafting purposes…
His and hers? Like a pair of beach huts…
That appeals!! (Actual beach huts in the garden maybe?)
oh my goodness you realize how timely this is for me. i needed the inspiration personally as i have never officially lived on my own. i went to a boarding school for high school away from family and had to live with my own age group who were mostly on the wrong sides of the tracks and brought to this school for a saving or two. then went off to college and it felt very much like high school. moved back home and got booted out of my mom’s old house since she and my stepfather moved away. and my stepfather’s mother is ghastly putrid. i moved in with my father who has never been the ideal or timely figure. i never got along with people i lived with and continue to fuss about in social spaces. i do have my own sanctuary but i realize i dont want to be under this same roof for more than i have to, i have been here for a year. i just got a full time job and saving for a car and then moving out is the next step. oh this post resonates well and i hope you get ride of that attachment you still have that you need a boyfriend. let it go. let it live.
Your post resonated with me as I too live alone with two silly cats and love it! Prior to Pepper and Dublin, I truly lived alone for 6 months after I lost my Punk’n girl, who had been with me for 22 years. I will admit that things didn’t quite seem right for those 6 months. It’s amazing how much space fur-children can take up, both physically and in your heart (toys, scratching posts, and other kitty paraphernalia permeate my apartment!). I have no immediate desire to live with a human again, but have a hard time imagining a home without at least one fur-child!
Aw I’m so pleased it resonated! It’s amazing how much more homelike my house is with Luna & Clover around – and the couple of times they’ve been at the cattery, it’s felt so empty until I’ve gone to collect them – so can sympathise with the weird feeling for six months. Glad you have kitties now – they are so silly and so wonderful! x
I’ve always lived with someone else but I can definitely see the advantages of living on your own.
I have never lived alone. I come from a large overcrowded family. The closest I have come to would be when my now husband was away on his 4 month training course prior to beging his career. Even then I wasn’t completely alone as I had our 6 month old daughter.
I have to say though I did appreciate my quite evenings alone. I would get in to bed with a cup of tea and read to my hearts content.
Now in a houseful of five alone time is rare. I wouldn’t change that but I can appreciate the benefits of living alone.
FYI I’m useless with DIY, as the hubby does it all, I would have to learn a huge set of new skills if he wasn’t around.
At least I know were the trip switch is lol!
Your post resonated with me as I too live alone with two silly cats and love it!